Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
