I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
