i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
