I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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