i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
