I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Less talking, more tequila
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Randomize
