he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
