Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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