I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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