What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Randomize
