Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
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