Don't make out with my wife yet
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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