Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
