well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I need to calm my uterus...
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
