Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
