oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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