so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
