In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
