i just snorted my name. best moment ever
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
