can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
