Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
