i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
