We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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