I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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