did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
