Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
