I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
