everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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