i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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