Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Randomize
