Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
i believe in u and ur pee
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
