Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
