No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
