Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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