i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
