how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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