Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
