thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
