I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
She needs sedatives and a leash
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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