People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
