Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
