I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
we're making bets on your personal life
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize
