R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Ketchup is God's man juice
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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