Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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