i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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