What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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