DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Randomize
