just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
