I can't breathe out the right side of my face
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
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