My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
