Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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